· Grief

I wanted to be getting on a plane with you today. To finally enjoy the fantasy beach getaway that we’ve talked about but never taken. Instead, I’m going away with my girlfriends and sitting in the reality of not having looked in your eyes for 60 days.

I wanted to celebrate your birthday with more joy this year. To acknowledge the difficulty of marking your 40th last year in the wake of relapse. Instead, another year of lies and deception has passed and I’m anticipating marking my 40th alone.

I want to be able to dream. I still want those dreams to include you. But you’ve stolen so much from me. From us. From yourself. So much is tainted that I don’t know if any new dreams exist. I can’t even imagine what starting fresh with you would look like.