Sitting In My Sickness

Clearly, I need to sit in this place.

What is it in me that desperately feels the pull to jump back into our imaginary relationship?

Days after sitting traumatized from your confessions of betrayal and deception.

Days after hearing about every painful way you destroyed the sacredness of “us”.

The holiday season invites fantasy and idealism, for sure.

It’s painful to be at this broken place,

Unsure if we’ve already celebrated our last Christmas together as a family.

Standing at the accident scene of our first baby also invites connection.

It’s heart-wrenching to know we both think “Richard”,

And everything in me longed to fall into your arms.

Is there any piece of this pull that is real love?

Or is it all sickness?